Mayor Bojo

Many of you will have seen the embarrassing Tory MP Alan Duncan refer to Boris Johnson as 'Bojo' on Have I Got News for You, the night London found out that it had voted for a hard-right bumbling buffoon whose lexicon favours terms like piccaninnies. When Ian Hislop questioned this nickname he learnt 'Bojo' is at least better than 'BJ'. Either way, both Bojo (clown-like) and BJ (sex scandal-like?) seem perfectly apt for the Kevin Shaw look-a-like.

Like many (all) people that I talk to, a sudden loss of respect for the dwellers of this city has clouded over. This dynamic, urbane, insanely multicultural metropolis has voted on the basis of a personality clash between Ken and the Evening Standard rather than anything to do with record and plans. Hopefully, the Tories will follow Ken's centrist path promoting the global financial power of London, improving dramatically the effectiveness and visibility of the police, backing the massive investment in and increased value of London transport and creating public spaces for London to celebrate its culture. This is quite likely for two reasons: one, the Green Tree Tories and Labour, policy-wise, are very similar; and two, Cameron will want Boris not to fail (more than to succeed) more than anything in the next two years. Boris' London is the momentum builder for Tory Britain (oh, what a horrible thought). As such, Bojo will employ the management, strategic and political consultants so favoured by Gordon Brown and Cameron and everything Ken has created will largely continue, with the main thing lost is Ken's force of nature, that force which got London, for example, Crossrail.

The verdict. Embarrassing and disappointing, yes. Disastrous, no. But only if GB can sort his act together and generate a Labour turnaround.

But instead of signing off in a smug way after writing a bunch of words off the top of my head (like most London hacks), let's take an actual look at Boris' plans for London – which have up until this point completely evaded me. Here they are, reproduced from the Daily Telegraph, with my expert commentary in red:

Boris Johnson's key policies as new mayor will be:

Transport

• Scrap "bendy buses". Restore old Routemaster-style vehicles. Twattish policy
• Put plans for a westward extension of congestion charging zone up for public consultation, and scrap it if residents are opposed. Why do only residents get a say, what about everyone who this has an impact on? What is Bojo's opinion of the CC anyway? My guess he hates it, ‘cos of all his 4x4 driving mates, but he knows it is a really effective and popular policy so cannot get rid of it.
  Abandon Ken Livingstone's plans for a £25 charge on "gas guzzling" 4x4s. Tough one for the Tories if they want to maintain their already tenuous green aura.

Crime

• Cut violent crime, especially on public transport by banning alcohol from the Tube and removing the right of disruptive youths to free travel passes. Why is it that old libertarians like Bojo want to, rightly, protect the liberties of the individual, right until the polite sensibilities of their wife or mistress are compromised? "What, yes, errrm, yes, must ban those yobbos drinking booze on the tube… they’re so offensive to Marrie." This is the worst of New Labour, just with a posh accent.
• Personally chair the Metropolitan Police Authority, which scrutinises the detail of Met operations. Oh god. Cameron, please get in one of your consultants quick, before we're all screwed.

Spending

• Sharp cuts in spending at City Hall, using savings to fund more than 400 new police community support officers. The old ‘cut red tape’ card... if such promises ever come to fruition, they take years to implement with massive costs to performance as key staff are lost and morale is dampened.
• Biannual summits with business representatives. Amazing platform you've got there Boris

Environment

• Plant 10,000 street trees and pay for it by scrapping Mr Livingstone's free newspaper, The Londoner, which costs taxpayers £1 million a year. The first policy I can truly support, getting rid of The Londoner. But on the 10,000 street trees… where's he going to plant them? The London Mayor has power over very small tracts of land such as Trafalgar square; London's land is mainly under the jurisdiction of the Boroughs. Actually, that's not a bad idea; turn Trafalgar square into a vibrant woodland.
• Promote scheme to measure each household's recycling and reward them with vouchers exchangeable for goods. So Mr Tory, are we for state surveillance into people's waste or not? Either way, I'll have a £20 book token please.

Accountability

• Information about mayoral advisers will be available on the web. Contact details and register of interests will also be available online. Great. Except none of us are going to read it. And nor are our trusted scandal busters, the media, ‘cos they (the Evening Standard - we only have one paper in London) are prone to, well, giving BJ a BJ. (Sorry. Very poor.)
• A pledge not to run for more than two terms in office. Fantastic, but where were your heavyweight pledges on transport investment, the Olympics and London's vast inequality?

In fact, Bojo's manifesto is very much like the Tories last manifesto, which Michael Howard attempted to win power with in 2005. It was populist, poor on detail, embarrassingly patronising or copy-cat New Labour and, in case you forgot, written by David Cameron.